Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! “Round” is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. One more thing; Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.

Not convinced? For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, British and Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, British and Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, British and Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, British and Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians and Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Doctor: “Ever had an accident?” Rancher: “No.”

Doctor: “Never had an accident in your whole life?”

Rancher: “Well, last spring I was out in the pasture and a bull tossed me over the fence.”

Doctor: “And you don’t call that an accident?”

Rancher: “No. I think the bull did it on purpose.”

Bholaji goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts.”

The doc says “Ok, touch your elbow.” Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doc, surprised,says “touch your head.” Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.

The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.

The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc… and tells Bhola to come back after two days.

Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, “We’ve found your problem…”

“Oh yeah? what is it ?”

‘You’ve broken your finger!’

A blonde girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”

Sharon: “Ok.”

Medic: “Ok, now how many fingers am I putting up.”

Sharon: “Oh my god I’m paralyzed from the waist down!”