A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.”

The next night he came home from work and yelled “BELL 1!” The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled “BELL 2!” the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “BELL 3!” they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!” “What the hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband? “Roll out more hose!” she replied. “You’re nowhere near the fire!!!”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?”

Your ass is never a factor in an interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.

You don’t have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc. around your reproductive system.

You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.

No pantyhose.

One mood, all the time.

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At the appropriate point in the process she told him he would need to choose and enter a password; something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password he made it plainly obvious to his wife he was keying in, “penis”. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

    *PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH