Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who breaks wind in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie…the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said Hillary, “Who’s clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie.”

“Who’s clock is that?”

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bill’s clock?” Hillary asked.

“Bill’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

One day in the future, George W Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”